I'm not sure how to introduce this, so I'll just launch right in. I encourage my friends to comment, no matter what you have to say. Yes, this is based on specific things, but it applies to so many people and situations. I was going to generalize and say, "Why do guys ____" but I'm sure there are women who do it, too.
Some people need to learn how to apologize.
I don't mean grovel, I don't mean beg forgiveness for a wrongdoing, I mean just the simple act of expressing that you didn't mean for something to happen. Whether you didn't mean to do the thing you did, or whether you just didn't mean for someone to get hurt over it, saying "Sorry about that," is essential to keeping friendships.
Let me say it again. Saying, "Sorry about that," is ESSENTIAL to keeping friendships.
Now I am going to generalize a bit, because stereotypes happen for a reason, and I fully admit that there are exceptions in both directions. Guys seem to be more reluctant to do this than girls. I think it's because they want to keep their appearance of toughness, independence, and self-respect. I've gotten the impression that guys will just never ever apologize, because they think doing so would mean bowing to the person they're apologizing to and giving them power. So it actually takes a guy with MORE confidence to apologize, because they can realize that saying they're sorry for something that happened does not cut them off at the knees or kick them in the balls or otherwise diminish them.
When you have friendships, you always have misunderstandings, missteps, unintentional hurts. If you slap a dude on the back, and he screams at the top of his lungs because he had just gotten a tattoo, and you didn't know, you should apologize. You didn't do anything wrong, because you didn't know about it, you didn't do it on purpose. Saying you're sorry at this point means, "I'm sorry that what I did hurt you." Now that you are aware of it, you won't slap his back again for a good long while.
Over the internet, things can be worse. Easier to do something hurtful completely unintentionally. You always read silly little internet articles about this, about the importance of being clear, and using smilies to express sarcasm or playfulness. (Those smilies get cheesy pretty quickly, though, I don't really advise using them to punctuate the intent of every single thing you say.)
One of the easiest things to do is unintentionally ignore someone, which can cause the feeling of being snubbed. The person not getting a response doesn't know that you're currently reading over your sister's thesis paper. Or that you had to leave the computer to clean up after your cat's daily puke. You can start taking the online presence of your friends for granted, just assuming the company of simultaneous online-ness is enough. But it's not!
What if you came home from work or the store, reading the mail as you walked in, and the person at home greeted you. Yes, you're distracted. Yes, you might ignore the greeting for a moment. But you realize that if you don't acknowledge your friend/family memebr at all, it's rude. At this point in time, the appropriate thing to do is say, "Oh, sorry, I was reading the mail/juggling groceries/something." You're not apologizing for reading the mail, you're not making yourself less of a respectable person, you're just being a sociable human being, a friend.
A friend of mine with a relatively new child is teaching her politeness early. She taught her girl to say "please" and "thank you" within the family and everybody else. Someone commented on this, and said, "Oh there's no need to be polite, we're family!" and this shocked both my friend and myself. Politeness is doubly important between friends and family. It shows respect, affection, and a general concern for the well-being of your friends. When you appreciate something, you should thank for it. When you regret some action or consequence, you should apologize for it. Unless the apology's recipient is a complete *insert terrible word here*, you will be respected and liked MORE because of your expression of care.
tl;dr: You're being an inconsiderate jerk if you don't ever apologize. Stop treating apologies like they're going to kick you in the nuts or make you less of a man or woman. If you like the person, and you hurt them, even (especially!!) unintentionally, apologize for the hurt, and things will be so much better.
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2 comments:
Well put. I agree with you on premise; however, half of an apology is realizing that hurt was caused. Sometimes this isn't as clear to the offender as it is to the offended.
If we lived our lives more like when we first meet each other, when formal rules are in place, there would be less of this behavior, I think. The downside to that is we then have less exposure - we inheritantly take risks for big gain, and occasionally, big loss.
Bottom line, though, is that there really isn't an excuse for not at least attempting to apologize, and certainly no excuse for not teaching children proper behavior. This may be something of a societal issue; I didn't notice such behavior in China at any level.
You're right. Americans are seemingly bred to be familiar, and can actually get insulted if a friend or family member is polite, as though it distances them from each other. I don't like it.
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